from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: we've got a good show! we made a good show today! oh, we've got a nice show. kristen wiig -- boy, she's good -- (cheers and applause) she's going to come out and i'm going to get her to admit her complicity in the false buildup to the iraq war -- i think.

(laughter) all right. first! you know, the sepublicans there are fat, fat! the 2016 candidates, drms have decided to skip the primary process entirely! more of a coronation type dealey. (laughter) until now. >> have the senator bernie sanders made it official he will run for president -- >> jon: yeah! (cheers and applause) that's right! let's meet whoever bernie sanders is! (laughter) no, that's actually -- that's colonel sanders. let's meet -- deion sanders. (laughter) that -- (laughter) that's ned flanders. sure. sure, that's bernie sanders. all right, fine. (laughter) there we go!

how will this two-term senator, this eight-term representative, this full-term curmudgeon battle the incredibly powerful clinton machine? >> let me just make a brief comment and i will be happy to take a few questions. we don't have an endless amount of time. i've got to get back. (laughter) >> jon: with charm! (laughter) that was his presidential campaign announcement. not so much yes we can and more like let's just get this over with. i'm a busy man! busy running is anti-hillary. he's a centrist, he's a leftist. her campaign is managed to a t! he forgot his comb! (laughter) she has almost 100% name

recognition! he is somewhat lesser known! (laughter) she has a private server in her home where she deleted tens of thousands of her own e-mails. he owns a vhs copy of tootsie. (laughter) she has a set of consistent principles that he has -- he has a set of consistent principles he has run on his entire political life. she... is going to crush him! (laughter) there is nothing that can stop her! nothing that can possibly derail or undermine or -- >> at least 181 clinton foundation donors lobbied the state department at the same time that hillary clinton was running it. the clintons did not live up to

their promise to disclose all foreign donations. now the foundation has had to refile five years of tax returns because at least three of the years they reported zero donations from foreign governments when in fact there were tens of millions of dollars. >> jon: what! but that's okay... that's easy mistake. the zero to tens of millions. that's an easy mixup. probably happened as you were doing, okay, 10 million, you probably misplaced the -- the 1, and, uh -- (laughter) naturally, some people think that with all that money changing hands -- (laughter) really? a little reference, but all right. (laughter) some think with all the money changing hands something unseemly must be going on. >> that's the world in which people have access to the clintons or somehow buying access to the clintons. to give you an example, the "new york times" last year took note

chelsea clinton gets about as much as $75,000 a speech for speaking on subjects like diarrhea which is a subject she says she's passionate about. (laughter) >> jon: is it your suggestion, sir, that audiences might not be interested in chelsea clinton's speech about diarrhea? (laughter) because as she has so eloquently said -- some people think it's funny, but it's really brown and runny. (laughter) gotcha! (applause) it's really a q&a session afterwards that's most valuable. chelsea, according to jon stewart and "the daily show,"

when you're sliding to first -- (laughter) -- and your pants begin to burst, is that -- (laughter) -- when it smells like a fart, my point is cha-cha-cha! seriously, though, diarrhea kills 1.5 million children every year. (laughter) all right. um... so -- so the outfits, the donations to foreign governments, the outfits are not good and there's a pot of potential for corruption. what about proof? >> so far there aren't any specific concrete examples that

any companies or foreign governments received special treatment -- >> abc found no evidence that hillary clinton took action based on these contributions. >> jon: well, there you have it. no proof, no nothing. the one opening sanders might have shut down. all secretary clinton has to do is address this simply and squarely and put this to bed. >> did these companies receive any special treatment for their donations? >> jon: we'll see if i'm right. >> well, we're back into the political season and, therefore, we will be subjected to all kinds of attack and i'm ready for that. it is, i think, worth noting that the republicans seem to be talking only about me. i don't know what they talk about if i weren't in the race. (laughter)

>> jon: i wrote down "no." so there's still hope, bernie! oh, didn't move at all. all right. well, we'll be right back. all: milk! milk! milk! milk! milk! okay! fun's over. aw. aw. ♪ thirsty? they said it would make me cool. they don't sound cool to me. guess not. you got to stick up for yourself, like with the name your price tool. people tell us their budget, not the other way around. aren't you lactose intolerant? this isn't lactose. it's milk. ♪ this isn't lactose. it's milk.

everyday, millions of amazing photos and videos are shot with iphone. ♪ that's because the iphone makes it easy for everyone to shoot amazing photos and video. ♪ if it's not an iphone, it's not an iphone. ♪ hey nithanks. today. juicy fruit? sure i'll try a piec.... juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew. ♪ ♪ if you can't stand the heat,

get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. but hurry, offers end august 31st. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. hello, ladies. do you wanbear glove!to smell... ...like sophistication? bear glove! then try old spice swagger. bear glove! [repeatedly] i apologize. he means bear glove! no i don't. bear glove! stop it. [old spice whistle]

we've been compromised!. don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets

>> jon: hi, everybody! welcome back! we have been down this road a few times this year. each time it's not easy. tonight marks the end of an era, the longest serving member, samantha bee. it started in 2003. the bush presidency was entering terrible twos. we need a correspondent, we looked in your liquor stores, betting parlors, methadone clinics, google was in it's baby stages and we ended up in canada. (laughter) we found this delightful,

incredibly funny, person. we put her in the trunk and raced back over the border. canada had no idea what it was losing. >> have you had a hot karl? no, i haven't gotten to do everything yet. >> it's a totally different group of people. >> what state could you beat up? ours. i don't think that counts. oh, so sorry. ther states not in europe. canada? , okay. none of these tools are sterile. >> neither i is this. it's kind of dark! my momma's always talking about something! >> i'm samantha bee and i watch the five! it's the tale of a winsome blonde, dana parino. got to be a catch! make it snappy, i've got places to be. okay, dripping wet balls.

ignore this. umpire. you two timing mother -- ahhh! i'm getting thrown out of this (bleep) pool! one makes you larger -- and it rings! i think a lot of the time it feels like a thankless job. people think our day ends at 3:00 and that's not the case. we feel unappreciated. >> basically instant arrest. takes a little bit of doing. okay, okay, okay. have you had your picture taken with black person yet? >> i don't think so, but wouldn't mind. >> you would be willing to try? certainly. plenty of them. i know. do you have any of them in montana? >> we don't. we were pretty old before we saw one. >> jon: sam is only the third correspondent to ever get her

face stuck in a beach ball. the ones i love best are the ones closest to her heart. >> sarah palin took stage in silence to her critic. but onish is for which he sees still unfairly attacked. >> it's very inappropriate the democrats seized o on the issuef her daughter's pregnancy. >> she's going to have a family and a baby. >> it's a human being. she made the decision -- another word i'm looking for. i'm looking for voice. every family and woman should have the right to -- i'm sorry, what's the word? it's her family, it's her -- what is the word i'm looking for? we have a lot of options, you should select one. what's the word i'm looking for? adoption is one. >> no, a specific word i'm looking for. >> yes, but i don't think the --

i don't think that the decision -- i think it should be -- not -- i think that the family decision would become -- that's how -- yes. okay. >> a different choice? choice! yes! exactly! every person, every family should have a choice to decide what's best for them! >> there may be a 10-year-old picking tobacco but you won't see him there all day. >> i work 12 hour days in the tobacco farms, sometimes longer. >> you're making it hard for me to support child tobacco labor. the president says he wants us to talk about race. so let's talk about race! you go first. >> i think it would be great if you started off. >> i don't think it would be great at all. >> if you're scared, say you're scared. (laughter) >> no! i'm not at all.

i'm just incredibly uncomfortable. >> i know the percentage is so small, so small of a person becoming pregnant from a rape that i just don't even know if that's even in the equation because they say that percentage is just, like, almost impossible. not impossible but close, and there have been some cases. >> yeah, probably about 32,000 a year. >> 32,000. women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion. it's not clear that men can actually bond with women. men join the infantry because they want to fight. >> excuse me for one second. okay. >> girls become women by getting older. boys become men by accomplishing something, proving something. >> okay. have you ever actually met a woman before? >> several. um... a woman who did not want to strangle you? >> the reverse happens as well,

where homosexuals go out and find straits to beat up. >> really? yeah. are you sure about that? hey! watch out! i've got a christian! guys! >> you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting blowback. >> when you put it that way it does sound rather narrow, myopic, narrow-minded and bigoted. >> yes, now i've done my job. >> jon: southeastern correspondent samantha bee! (cheers and applause) new lipton sparkling iced tea.

♪ refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. for a taste that lifts you up. hello, ladies. do you wanbear glove!to smell... ...like sophistication? bear glove! then try old spice swagger. bear glove! [repeatedly] i apologize. he means bear glove! no i don't. bear glove! stop it. [old spice whistle] britta olsen is my patient. i spend long hours with her checking her heart rate, administering her medication, and just making her comfortable. one night britta told me about a tradition in denmark, "when a person dies," she said, "someone must open the window so the soul can depart." i smiled and squeezed her hand. "not tonight, britta. not tonight." [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, thank you, from johnson & johnson.

[ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, matt's gotten used to the funk yup, he's gone noseblind. he thinks it smells fine, but his wife smells this... luckily for all your hard-to-wash fabrics there's febreze fabric refresher febreze doesn't just mask, it eliminates odors you've gone noseblind to break out the febreze, and breathe happy from bank of america to buy a new gym bag. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. because he loves to play hoops. not jump through them. that's the excitement of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you.

♪ all right, first day i look like our lawyer.

exactly. why can't i just dress like them? them? they look cool. excuse me! young people! where did you get these looks? old navy. the navy, it's the navy. old navy mom... and how much for the denims? eight dollars. eight? mom please! mom! hunter! hunter! mommy's speaking. kids stuff is up to 60% off. you're going to be late today hunter, we're going to old navy.

(cheers and applause) >> jon: what about my guest tonight? she's the best. she has a new film out called welcome me. >> i want a talk show with me as the host. >host. okay. it wouldn't be our first fo fory into fanty programming. >> i think she wants to take over for oprah. >> you want to talk about things? >> no. guests and interviews. no. okay, what do you want to talk about? >> me. hmm... >> jon: welcome back to the program kristen wiig!

(cheers and applause) hello! >> hi! >> jon: how are you? samantha bee! >> jon: i know, it's killing me. you got a little -- >> i did. >> jon: you did. that one felt, you know this, past year, a lot of people have been -- we loved her, but she's foundational and we love her and decent and i think i got a little lump there. >> yeah, that's okay. >> jon: when you left s.n.l., like, mick jagger came and sang. >> yeah, that was crazy. yeah, he was the host that week and, yeah, that was -- yeah, for a good year. (laughter) it was really hard to watch the show after that. >> jon: and everyone came and danced. >> yeah. >> jon: we showed some clips. (laughter)

i owe samantha bee an apology. i need to call the rolling stones. it's so (bleep) hard because it's, you know, it's the end of an era but i know, like, sam and i were talking earlier and she's so excited about the future, she has so many great things coming up, it's hard to leave a place where you loved the people, felt comfortable, did good work and it knocks you out a little bit. >> yeah, because you don't have a second home like that, many of those in a lifetime. >> jon: what i like so much about what you do is the choices you make, they're all intriguing. you seem like a person who chooses things based on true interest and passion and not other lesser thoughts. >> yeah, i guess. >> jon: no... yes! i thought we were going to talk about ourselves. >> jon: all right.

no, i mean, i like to try different things. when we were talking earlier, i feel like, i don't know, being an actor, performer, whatever, when you're a little uncomfortable and you're challenged, you question why you did that. you're, like, oh, my god, why did i do this? why am i not home in my house. >> jon: the grammies thing, you were phenomenal in it. i thought, you must be trained. it was phenomenal. you were, like, no, we did a couple of weeks of practice (laughter) >> yeah, i mean, i danced by myself in wigs and leotards. and i cry a lot. (laughter) no, i took ballet when i was a kid, and then, yeah,. >> jon: do they call you up? does somebody call you and say, hey, man, i'm going the grammys,

would you dance to my song? >> it's kind of weird. my friend and i were talking. i made a joke if she needed anyone to dance in the background when she was singing and then it was, like, grammys? and i was, sure, and it happened. it was great deally weird. >> jon: i've asked people that, too, if they needed somebody, but i've never gotten that call. never say it to a lot of people. >> a lot of people, even people who don't sing. >> jon: i say it to orators, senators -- would you like me to dance? >> no one said -- >> jon: no one bit. did you like bernie sanders. >> that was funny. the picture -- >> jon: he's tremendous. it's like this. >> jon: it's like david is running for president. you have a guy, like, what are

you doing! >> he's, like, ever to go so let's get this over with. >> jon: that's his announcement for running for president, let's keep it going, people! (laughter) do you remember watching seinfeld and the steinbrenner character? that was david's voice. i feel like that would be a bernie sanders presidency. you would walk in and -- i want an embargo! blah blah blah blah! i know you're not comfortable with this, but steve carell was on this program for a long time. and then he does the fox catcher and he's an actor. i feel like that's you. you've got something there. i love the work you're doing. this movie welcome me, it's not easy to pull this off with great empathy but also the depth of character and you do a great job

in it. >> thank you. >> jon: it's very nice. kristen wiig, she's great! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪ they lived. ♪

(dad) we lived... thanks to our subaru. ♪ (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. hello, ladies. do you wanbear glove!to smell... ...like sophistication? bear glove! then try old spice swagger. bear glove! [repeatedly] i apologize. he means bear glove! no i don't. bear glove! stop it. [old spice whistle] we've been compromised!. don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets come on y'all, ahh give it up for kd!use. with the steal. look out. look out. ohhhhh! did you see that?! ahhh! whooo!

check me out! and that's how it's done! bringing it back on another possession. ♪ on italian bread.w turkey & bacon guacamole sure thing. oven roasted turkey, oh-so-crispy bacon... blended perfectly with guacamole made from hass avocados, just a hint of jalapeno. it truly is heaven on italian bread. so, you've had it before? yeah...a couple times. i'll have what he's having. fall in love with the big time flavor of the new subway turkey & bacon guacamole. all your favorites in one amazing sandwich. subway. eat fresh. more data means more freedom to do..whatever. that's why at&t is giving you 50% more data. that's 15 gigs of data for the price of 10. because the more data you have, the better. and right now at at&t get $300 credit for every line you switch

when you trade in a smartphone and buy any smartphone on at&t next. pwhat've we got? 5. bp 64/40 sterilize sites. multiple foreign objects in the body. tweezers. (buzz!) (buzz!) if you're the guy from the operation game, you get operated on. it's what you do. (buzz!) if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do.

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acces >> sugar, bumble bees, milk, cotton, polyblend, pony hair, oatmeal, salt. i should probably also mention

i'm a tonightly, thursday's debate muscle 24 million viewers, so congratulations to the night's big winners, 295 million americans that watched something else. those are the winners. also, jeb bush said the bar is set higher for him because his father and brother are were already president. which raises the important question, wait, there is a bar? >> oh. and the debate featured only one question about black lives matter. it also featured only one black life. set your dials to nightly, everyone, let's do this! [ cheers and applause captioning sp